Steven Wright Jokes


  • So what's the speed of dark?

  • After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

  • Why don't they just make mouse-flavoured catfood?

  • If you're sending someone some styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

  • Why do they sterilise needles for lethal injections?

  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

  • We all know light travels faster than sound. Is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

  • How come abbreviated is such a long word?

  • Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

  • Americans throw rice at weddings. Do Asians throw hamburgers?

  • Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

  • Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

  • Why do banks charge you an "insufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?

  • If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

  • When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

  • Do fish get cramps after eating?

  • Why are there five syllables in "monosyllabic"?

  • Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

  • If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

  • Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

  • Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.

  • If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

  • Why does bottled lemon juice contain mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

  • Why buy a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

  • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

  • What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

  • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

  • Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?

  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

  • Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

  • And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

  • Is there another word for synonym?

  • Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?