Real Court Transcripts


From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things people actually said in court, word for word.

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: So, after the anesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
WITNESS: Is that all?
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But","The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George."

LAWYER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
LAWYER: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

LAWYER: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July fifteenth.
LAWYER: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

LAWYER: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

LAWYER: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
LAWYER: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

LAWYER: How old is your son - the one living with you.
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
LAWYER: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

LAWYER: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
LAWYER: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

LAWYER: And where was the location of the accident?
WITNESS: Approximately milepost 499.
LAWYER: And where is milepost 499?
WITNESS: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

LAWYER: Sir, what is your IQ?
WITNESS: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

LAWYER: Did you blow your horn or anything?
WITNESS: After the accident?
LAWYER: Before the accident.
WITNESS: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

LAWYER: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
WITNESS: We both do.
LAWYER: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
LAWYER: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

LAWYER: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

LAWYER: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

LAWYER: Were you present when your picture was taken?

LAWYER: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

LAWYER: Did he kill you?

LAWYER: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

LAWYER: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

LAWYER: How many times have you committed suicide?

LAWYER: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: And what were you doing at that time?

LAWYER: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
LAWYER: Were there any girls?

LAWYER: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: And these stairs, did they go up also?

LAWYER: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,didn't you?
WITNESS: I went to Europe, Sir.
LAWYER: And you took your new wife?

LAWYER: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
LAWYER: And by whose death was it terminated?

LAWYER: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
LAWYER: Was this a male, or a female?

LAWYER: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

LAWYER: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

LAWYER: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

LAWYER: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
LAWYER: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

LAWYER: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

LAWYER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
LAWYER: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
WITNESS: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

LAWYER: You were not shot in the fracas?
WITNESS: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.