In The News...


  • In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year-old daughter to take the wheel of his car, and an accident ensued that damaged seven other cars and injured six people. Which once again proves my theory -- women can't drive.

  • Who are safer drivers? Men, or women? Well, according to a new survey, 55% of adults feel women are most responsible for minor fenderbenders, while 78% blame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that the percentages in the pie graphs do not add up to 100%, because the math was done by a woman. For those of you hissing at that joke , it should be noted that that joke was written by a woman. So, now you don't know what the hell to do. Nah, I'm just kidding. We don't hire women.

  • In Washington, D.C., public school officials are asking parents to pay for needed equipment, such as a new state-of-the-art surveillance system that one area school has requested. According to the school's principal, the new system will help him monitor cheerleaders, that he claims like to vandalize school property while showering.

  • According to a survey in the new issue of Men's Health Magazine, men are much more likely to procrastinate than women. Except when it comes to having orgasms.

  • Meanwhile, at the University of Nebraska, computer scientists have developed a version of the Internet that is up to one hundred times faster than the current system. According to analysts, those using the new system to log onto America Online will now be disconnected in three one thousandths of a second.

  • After American Airlines decided this week to cut fares by 50 percent, the four other major airlines said they would match the bargain ticket prices. Also fighting to stay competitive, discount carrier ValuJet announced that it will now accept stolen credit cards and bad checks.

  • In Wisconsin, students at Menomonie High School are desperately fighting efforts by the politically correct to change their team nickname, 'the Indians.' Already opponents of the name have rejected the students' first compromise, 'the Drunken Indians.'

  • Meanwhile 5,000 disabled Americans were in Washington, last week to protest doctor-assisted suicide. On a sad note, the demonstration turned ugly when all 5,000 disabled people fought over two handicapped parking spaces.

  • And, in business news, American Express has announced plans to lay off 3,000 workers. According to the company, employees will be notified of the layoffs with pink slips reading simply, 'Don't Leave Home.'

  • And in medical news ... A new test can now detect prostate trouble months earlier than any previous test. The only down side: It involves shoving some huge device up your ass.

  • A top aviation watchdog group warned this week that the nation's airlines are vulnerable to terrorist attack. The biggest problem apparently: watchdog groups pointing out to terrorists that airlines are vulnerable to attack.

  • In Amsterdam, a rubber factory has begun producing waterbeds for cows. Let that be a reminder to anyone who wants to legalize marijuana here in Canada.

  • Our top story tonight: Texaco Oil, reeling from the public outcry over racist remarks made by some of it's top executives at a tape recorded meeting, today announced a dramatic change in company policy: No more tape recorded meetings!

  • In business news ... a British company has announced its intention to purchase telecommunications giant MCI. This after MCI called the British company's owner at home 5000 times.

  • This week, fighting along the Northern Iraqi border escalated as 20,000 Turkish troops, backed by warplanes and helicopters, launched a massive attack against a tribe of Kurdish rebels. In retaliation, the Kurds fired back with their secret weapon -- the tiny clump of dirt.

  • The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration is warning the people not to overeat on Thanksgiving because it can make you drowsy behind the wheel. Well that's bad news for me, you know, since after Thanksgiving dinner I usally like to drive around a while, untill I sober up.

  • Researchers have developed a so called 'red wine pill' which gives all of the benefits of red wine without the alcohol. Yeah it's called a grape!

  • In an act of conciliation, China released 8 political prisoners this week, but they made it clear that the other 79 million would be executed without a trial.

  • A French man who calls himself 'the Snake Man' was arrested this week after climbing the side of a Manhatten high rise. Yep, he climbed up the side of a high rise. Just like a snake.

  • This week is taxi cab appreciation week, so to all you taxi cab drivers out there: I'd appreciate if you take a shower once and a while.

  • A truck full of chickens overturned on the Long Island expressway yesterday. Hundreds of chickens crossed the road, but nobody's been able to figure out why.