Ways to be truly Offensive at a Funeral


  • Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.

  • Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.

  • Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.

  • Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.

  • Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

  • At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.

  • Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.

  • Ask the widow to give you a kiss.

  • Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.

  • Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.

  • Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

  • Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

  • Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.

  • Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.

  • Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.

  • Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

  • Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.

  • Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

  • Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.

  • Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.

  • Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.

  • Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.

  • If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.

  • When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.

  • Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.

  • At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.

  • Get someone to call you on your cell phone during ceremony and pretend your talking to the deceased person.

  • Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.

  • Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.

  • Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.

  • Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.